You’re going to need an Olympic Survival Guide for the 1,000,000 tourists, 3,500 soldiers and an influx of gangsters from around the world are just some of the nuances of London 2012.
For both the average paranoid tin-foil hat wearing lunatic and those left foaming at the mouth by Olympic lanes, crammed trains and rent hikes, here is the WUWO Magazine’s guide to surviving the Olympics.
You will need:
- Enough tinned food for four weeks
- The Waltons Complete Episode Collection
- A blindfold
- Heavy duty ear plugs
- Military-grade Hazmat suite and gas mask
- Horse tranquilizer
Optional
- A four week vacation to Outer-Mongolia
Stay inside
Use food sparingly, venture out only at night. Mugging and Stab wounds are a small price to pay compared to thousands of tourists asking if you know the queen and human Tetris on the underground.
Stay away from outsiders
Avoid contamination from dull commentary on endless rowing coverage and medal counts at all costs. Board up windows and doors and use a combination of Tranquiliser and The Waltons to enter tortoise-style hibernation mode.
Escape
If your safe zone is penetrated, don your hazmat suite and gas mask to avoid the international germ gathering guaranteed to leave those unprepared with a Swine-SARS super virus. Use a blindfold to avoid a LOCOG sponsor induced shopping frenzy.
Travelling
Most roads will be reserved for corporate sponsors. Many escapedEast Berlinusing home-made air balloons but Boris has learnt from the mistakes of the Stasi and stationed missiles on rooftops.
Immediate Isolation Method
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