Part of WUWO Magazine’s ‘Comedy Take Over’ edition.

From a small room at Edinburgh’s Fringe to their 2012 TV debut on E4, Seb Cardinal and Dustin Demri-Burns’ sketch show, Cardinal Burns, introduces a number of fresh, dark and entertaining characters to our TV screens.

One of these spoof personalities is Rachel, a teenage girl working on a fashion internship, who gives us the low down on Bollinger, sushi and blagging it at this years August events.

Rachel’s Guide to the Edinburgh Festival

Edinburgh festival is no Cannes, but it does have a couple of perks. The city is gorge: if you like Johnny Depp films you’ll love it. It’s really cute and outrageously gothic and obvs you’d only want to go there when the festival is on. I think the rest of the year it might even be closed.

Running through the whole of August, the city is dominated by the Fest. From ballet, to comedy, to TV and books (whatever), your job is to pick up where the buzz is. There’s so little time to see stuff, what with the parties and hangovers, it’s just important to keep ahead of the game. Listen in, keep it in mind, and drop it in when you’re talking to someone hot.

Getting there from West London

Planes, trains or automobiles? No dilemma there. Fly BA and FEDEX your luggage so it’s waiting for you on arrival. If you’re concerned about your carbon footprint, why don’t you offset it with a facial? If you must catch a train, head for St. Pancras; it has the longest Champagne bar in Europe. I once caught a train, not happening again.

What to take

A fucking umbrella and some flats. Those retarded cobblestone streets are a fucking baatch in heels. What with the time difference and late nights, take fake tan; hides the bags and helps as you’re never going to catch the rays in Gotham City.

Where to stay

The only hotel I know in Edinburgh to have a Bollinger bar is The Balmoral, so that, kinda like, rules out everywhere else. It’s also a hop and skip away from Harvey Nicks (sadly, no Bolly Bar at time of writing). If you feel like roughing it, The Witchery has some really cute suites. Try the Inner Sanctum Suite: it has a four-poster bed, which is perfect for three-ways with hot guys.

Where not to stay

A fucking hostel.

What to do

Edinburgh festival isn’t just launches, industry parties and ending up in random beds; they also have shows that you can go and see. Most of these shows are in tiny little rooms that smell of sweat. If your idea of fun is watching undernourished performers try to entertain audiences of like two people, then bully for you. I try to squeeze in at least one show in my time up there. My pick would be Jack Whitehall. As well as being #hilair he’s also totally fit, like super fit. I love him and would so fuck him.

Flyerers are really annoying. They’re everywhere. They deserve to die. Have a lit fag in each hand and keep on walking. If they’re really insistent then you have every right to burn them.

Where to eat

Decent sushi is impossible to come by. There’s a place in Glasgow that delivers, but it takes at least an hour and a half to get there. Better to stick to M&S and the breakfast offered at your hotel. There’s a lot of “rustic” food for sale in the various venues. I wouldn’t touch any of it with a fucking barge-pole.

Blagging

Edinburgh is all about the blag. Buying tickets for shows makes no sense at all. Every producer likes to give away tickets for free. It’s their modus operandi. To secure seats, arrive last minute, and explain to the Box Office geeks that you work for a leading magazine, like Dilemmas. Do this while flicking your hair and biting your lip and you should be fine.