Part of WUWO Magazine’s ‘Comedy Take Over’ edition.
Andrew is a seven-year-old stand-up and host of children’s educational show, “Learn with Andrew, Learn with Andrew, Everyone’s having fun when they’re learning with Andrew!” Here is his guide to surviving Edin-brrrr.
You may recognise him. He’s been on Children In Need five times, but they never put him at the front, as they always put Sally Dickens at the front, as she’s in a wheelchair even though she can’t sing a top C (Andrew’s words).
Andrew will be performing in The Freewheelin’ Cariad Lloyd at The Pleasance Courtyard at 16:45 every day (except the 14th). Cariad (Edinburgh Comedy Awards shortlist for best newcomer) will be his guardian in Edinburgh, but he has told his mum he’s at chess camp, so if you see her in Waitrose please don’t let her know.
Over to Andrew
“I have been to Edin-brr many times, it is always nice and full of people painting their faces and dancing and miming, no matter how much you tell them to stop. My favourite bit of the Edin-brr festival is the beginning, then the middle, then the end.
The beginning is good because there are no posters up yet and no one has had no bad reviews so everyone is nice to each other and no one does a head tilt and says, “I thought your show was great, what do they know!” when they bump into you, which is nice.
The first thing you should do is head to the Royal Mile, so called because the first settlers spelt Royal Mail wrong, and there used to be loads of post offices all down it, till they privatised everything.
The Royal Mile is like a giant fringe guide you don’t have to flick through. Save your poor hands from turning pages and walk down the mile while everyone shouts at you about their shows.
People like it if you take their flyers and then straight away throw them on the ground. This is a funny joke, especially when they have paid for the flyers from all their temping work, and now they can’t eat as they bought extra glossy ones by mistake. Funny!
The best thing about the Royal Mile, is there is a Games Workshop on it, and if you are tired and don’t know how to speak to people anymore because you feel all small, then you can go in there, and as long as you’re not a girl or with a girlfriend they will be very kind to you. It is like a Samaritans for people who are well-informed about History. And also warm.
Edin-brr is called Edin-brr because no matter how much you think it is August it will feel like March. And you will always need your coat. No matter how sunny it is, or how much you think it feels warm, you will need your coat. Bring your coat.
You will see some girls wearing shorts and flip-flops like they’re at Latitude, but they are young and have low self-esteem. If you see them, buy them a coat. And tell them it’ll get better past 25. You think.
There are so many shows to see, so go see all your friends shows first so you don’t feel guilty when you see them, or perfect the phrase, “I’m coming on my day off” which in performer language means “I don’t know you well enough to be forced to sit through your show when I am so stressed I want to cry”. They will understand and respect you for this.
Go and see people you like, but also go and see free shows, as there are loads of good people doing free shows, and just because they are free, doesn’t mean they are bad.
My new Daddy, Colin (I’m not allowed to call him Daddy or look him in the eye) says you only get what you pay for, which is why he pays ladies to call him on the big computer. He pays loads, so they must be really friendly and good, although he is always shouting at them.
If you do go to a free show, be on time, and don’t leave half way through. Free shows are not to keep you warm and dry; they’re for brilliant performers trying to save money. If you want to keep warm and dry please see earlier note about the Games Workshop.
Mainly make sure you are in bed after you’ve watched The One Show, unless you have to do a show, in which case, make sure you go home straight after, most people do, there will be no one out past midnight, everyone will have all spent a lot of money on their Edin-brr shows, so they will want to be well rested for the next day.
Eat at least one warm meal a week (the Well, Hung & Tender burger doesn’t count) and try to spend a few moments every day looking around you at all the amazing people and all the creativity and think how lucky you are to be there.
If that doesn’t work, go and see a play about the forthcoming apocalypse, and cry silently through it, you’ll feel better afterwards.
I’ve been Andrew! Bye! ”
Name: Cariad Lloyd
Show Name: Freewheelin’ Cariad Lloyd
Where: Pleasance Courtyard
Dates: 1-27 Aug excluding 14