Sex columns in magazines have to find exciting ideas for the bedroom everyday. Inevitably they eventually run out of reasonable variations of ‘stick it in the hole’. The resulting articles really scrape the barrel and somewhere, there is probably an article about sex with barrel scrapings.

 With Cosmo’s article “10 sexy things to do with Ice,” there are only so many possibilities. It isn’t surprising that rubbing frozen water onto his penis was suggested. Nearly everyone knows that nothing leads to a bad case of Mr Floppy like cold temperatures, especially with some kind of hand-crafted penis igloo.

Advice isn’t always just wrong, sometimes it is outright crazy. Womansday gives the straightforward advice of “Don’t think about the kids (not even for a second).” If you think about children during sex, you should seek professional help, not a magazine. This advice is actually more likely to make parents think of their kids, as the sure way to make someone think about something is to tell them not to think about it. For instance don’t think about a pole-dancing orang-utan.

Other articles involve misleading and using strangers as un-witting sex toys, “Go to a bar with your partner and flirt with other people”, suggests Womansday. Not only is this a cruel joke on the lonely bar victim, it is more likely to end in an argument than an erection (as anybody caught looking at another person can testify to).

Going floppy and thinking about children is bad enough, but some of the advice is outright dangerous. Imagine going to hospital suffering from a Chinese-burn down below, this is the most likely outcome of Cosmo’s suggestion of “twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob” ouch. Continuing Cosmo’s crusade to destroy penises, they also say to “slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body).”

While the advice above is targeted at women, the advice to men can be equally stupid. Men’s health claims “though to ears deafened by political correctness, words like ‘baby’ and ‘doll’ sound condescending and sexist, to most women in relationships, they sound like love.” And any woman who opposes being called sugar-tits is just some mad lefty feminist lesbian right? Calling your lover baby or doll is boring, impersonal and makes you sound like a two-dimensional Grease character.

If you fail to get what you want, (“a man’s entitled to want everything he wants” – Men’s Health magazine) lie. Men’s Health says “Make sure she knows how beautiful and sexually skilled she is, especially if she isn’t.”

Sex advice columns aren’t ever as useful as they claim. They fail to appreciate that sex is natural and personal. Instead they see sex as a step-by-step process like changing a car tyre or a new way to sell peanut butter. Looking to be a better lover is a generous and brilliant goal to strive for, but never look to bored interns for the answer.

Could you write a bad sex column? Share your own bad sex advice below.